I won't lie and say 2015 was a walk in the park.
The early months were so hard, falling deeper and deeper into the endless cycle of sadness..
Getting more and more hopeless by the day.
In that sense, the things that came to me in June were my biggest blessings. After such a hopeless feat, I could finally say I achieved something by the age of 25.
Something that I truly care about.
25, at least I got a job.
And with that, my life changed 180 degrees, but I am excited to greet a new day, eventhough it is truly tiring a process to adapt to.
Nobody said it would be easy, but this is a challenge I look forward to.
Now if only I could cut out the negative people that keep making me feel bad for joining the company. Its not my fault you hate your job. =(
Everything in hindsight seems easier and more managable looking on from our current persective.
The future seems so hard and unknowable in comparison.
But if we could instead look at now from a future prespective, I know we'd be saying don't worry so much, don't sweat it, it'll pass. You'll get through this. And maybe you'd advise yourself to work a little harder, make better choices.
Day to day living is hard, but soon, it'll all just be memories, so just live it sueray, don't spend it worrying and panicing all day everyday.
Will you pray for me, so that I may find strength to fight the sickness?
Will you stand with me, in silence if not in sight, as I go through this journey?
It is difficult, I do not know how to reach out during hard times.
Now with people so busy living their own lives and chasing their own careers, it is easier than ever to hide my problems away..
Regardless, if you have taken the time to read this, won't you pray for me?
To be human, to live, fight and eat everyday without giving up.
It doesn't sound like much, but sometimes, prayers and thoughts count for the most.
More than words, more than public conversations for all to see.
Silently also I pray for those in my thoughts, soundless as they are.
I wake up with the feeling that I got things wrong, unprepared to face this life.
That somehow maybe things would make more sense, work better if the past was different.
My most current dream is to be able to have finished a different degree, a different career path, work my way up that corporate ladder.
And for sure, I know it'd be much harder, the hours long and tiring..
But at least it wouldn't be this lonely. At least it wouldn't be this hopeless.
The truth is not as rosy. Every day brings different dreams, different lives I wish to live, all just minor stories, unrelated to the reality of now.
And facing reality has never been one of my strong suits. Stuck away in a fairytale story not much suited for the reality of this age and time. Still hoping for prince charming to sweep me off my feet and save me.
She tells me to wake up and stop dreaming of a world that does not exist, to not be selfish and care more about others, and be more independent for once.. But she does not know the pain I carry in my life, she is not me..