ExPreSi DiRi

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2011-09-23T02:23:00.000+10:00

Maybe its time to move onto the new era??

Its not like it makes much difference anymore..

Toodles..

How do you??

2011-09-18T04:55:00.002+10:00

How can I smile when you're there in the hospital??
And me not there with you..
How can I not cry wishing it weren't so..

Its so fresh in my memories..
Just 3 years ago, when u were in the hospital too..
And they said things would be all right..
You'd be just fine..

And somehow you're back there again..
Back so soon, and so young at that..

How can i be hopeful, when its clear to me how terrible it is to be stuck there,
pricked with a needle everyday, lonely and uncomfortable..

How do you be strong?
When there's nothing you can do to help or make things better..
How do you??

Why??

2011-07-28T23:58:00.002+10:00

Why do you write for the public if you do not want it to be understood??

Why not just write a diary for only you to read and contemplate if you do not want others to find out about you??

I find that blogging has become rather hard nowadays..

Coz there's so many things to think about before writing..

Its not that I don't want to share anymore..

But sometimes, I am worried about the people who do end up reading this blog..

Some are ok, some are great, but really, some are downright stalker/scary in their ways..

So comes the period of cryptic writing that truly nobody really understands anyway..

I never really put much stock in poems before..

They seem to be rather flowy and nice to look at..

But seriously, so hard to interpret and understand..

You could see 1 thing while I see something totally different..

And what use would that be if we end up misinterpreting what the author wanted to say in the first place??

But that is basically what has hit my blog anyway hasn't it??

=.="

Owh, give me a book any day, and I'd read that more enthusiastically..

^_^

3 unfinished/not started/totally clueless readings to catch up on for micro 2, fins1612 and globalisation..

But for tonight, I shall start reading this new book I got..

Sure its not a surprise..

But it sure beats getting a book I don't like..

About assassins too!

yippee!!

<3 <3 <3

Thanks Boyfie.. Best birthday presents ever!

doubt

2011-07-26T17:20:00.003+10:00

If there was any doubt on whether to continue or not yesterday,

there is no longer any doubt today..

If there was any doubt that this was wrong yesterday,

there is no longer any doubt today..

If there was any doubt that what if's or if only's would have been better yesterday,

there is no longer any doubt today..

There is no longer any doubt today,

none what so ever,

that this has been the right choice to make all along..

And even if it hurts, well,

at least it brings us peace,

to not live our lives in doubt any longer..

Smile for the little things..

and the big ones will fall in place..

^_^

Its good to see you

2011-07-20T08:37:00.004+10:00

The silence, it burdens us with so many words unsaid..
Would we be better off saying it, or just keeping it hidden indside??

Tell me what I can do to make things better??
Tell me how I can fix it so it'll be just like it was before..
I know I have pushed you away, so far away time and time again, but that does not mean that I do not care, that I do not respect you in my own way..
But I just needed my space in solitude..
And all you had to do was call, I would have came to help, truly I would have..
I can not bear to see you this way..
If it were possible, I would forsake my life to make things the way they were before..
I would give anything to spare you this pain..

What nonsense are you talking about child, that is madness..
This is the fate of god, it has happened, there is nothing left to do but to pick up the pieces and rebuild my life..
Do not cry for my fate, for I am still alive, it is not the end yet..
I do not deny that things will be very hard, and I may despair and fall some days, but there will be a time when things will get better..
There is no need for you to feel such despair for the condition that I am in now..
Hush now, do not worry so much..

It is very hard for me to accept this.. Very hard for me accept that I almost lost you and that even after all this, I do not know much about your life..
I can not imagine how you go through your days, so strong, trying your best to regain what you have lost..
I can not help but feel despair seeing you struggling to learn to read, when you were once the best of us all..
I can not help but cry remembering that you did not recognise me at all last week..
I can not help but feel very worried about the future and what might happen after this..
It fills me with such hurt that this is not a story of people I don't know, this is your life..
How can I smile knowing you are struggling so??

All humans will die some time, it is a sad thing to happen, but you must not let that stop you from living..
Truly, it would sadden me too to see you despair..
There are still many things to be thankful about..
At least I am still here am I not, I can think clearly now..
Be happy my child, for there is still great adventures awaiting you in the future..

Thank you.. I know that it is terrible of me to mope, when you have made great strides at improving..
Truly I am glad to see you better..
Truly I pray that you gain full recovery in the future..

Till then..

om nom nom

2011-07-15T02:39:00.003+10:00

the danger of food coming in small sizes..

is that you tend to eat, and eat, and eat and eat..

until suddenly you realize, whatdaheck??

how did I eat all this??

honestly, i was just going to eat a few..

but after eating 1, I ate another 1, and after a few, I ate a few more..

just 1 more, just 1 more..

om nom nom nom..

what??

Lots of Hershey's Kisses wrappers..

>_<

WTF

2011-07-12T00:34:00.005+10:00

Right, we're moving.. we need a bigger house, we need more rooms and more space for the wedding ceremony..
So this is your room.. It's big and has its own ensuit.. We're going to get a queen size bed and built in wardrobes for this room..
It's going to be perfect for your bridal room..
We just need to renovate some parts and move some stuff, then we'll be all set for the big day!
You're not getting any younger by the day, best to stop dreaming and forget about those crazy ideas of yours..
You need to start acting more like a mature adult fit for your age..

WHATDAFUCK?!?!?!?!?!

silence

2011-07-10T18:34:00.002+10:00

Is this the all dreaded silence before the storm??

Is this the moment of peace and tranquility right before the mother of all disaster strikes??

If it is, then I want to scream out loud, make a bang and be messy about it!

Waiting is truly hard, but waiting in line for something that you know will be bad, well, it just ruins everything else..

And that's really what these past few weeks have been all about haven't they??

Waiting for the end of this path to come..

I've had lots of time to prepare myself..

Surely I should be ready by now, right??

But on an off chance that it did not cross my mind,

I suddenly realized.. That failing means that all those people that went to the US will succeed where I have failed..

Sure, I knew it was going to happen long ago..

Sure, I have built the appropriate walls around me to shield me from my pain..

Sure, I have come to accept that failure does not mean the end of the world..

But really, meeting one, and truly being proud of his success, led me to think about the others..

I have always known that they have a higher chance of finishing than me,

but remembering them individually, every single one,

forces back my acceptance 360 degrees the other way..

Sure I can accept if he finishes right..

But can I accept that She finishes what I have failed?

Would I be willing to battle all kinds of hell to fix what I have created in order to not fall behind Her?

Is that something I want to do, merely in the name of Pride??

I know, that will hardly happen, I quit long ago for me to start again..

But still, I cannot accept Her being better..

Truly I cannot..

Is it terrible for a person to wish that another falls too when they have fallen from the sky to earth??

Is it terrible to wish that everything would just disappear and forget about the journey mid stride along the way??

I don't know..

I really don't..

There's 3 more days of silence..

3 more days of calm..

3 more days of peace,

Before the battle begins..

What I truly wish, is that you were here with me..

And that we could live in our little bubble of life..

Forgetting everything there is about this world..

Carving happiness out of dreams..

Just us..

Till then,

quiet and afraid,

Sue Ray.

the conversation we never had

2011-07-08T22:41:00.005+10:00

I want to ask you, what do you want from me??

I want you.. So badly it hurts.. I really like you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you..

I want to know what you think about me.. And I want to know whether you feel the same way too.. I want to know everything about you and I want to be with you through every step of your life..

But what if I do not feel the same way too? Would that change the way that you feel??

No, it wouldn't.. How can my feelings change based on a simple answer.. Yes I would be sad.. Yes it'd be easier if you said you liked me too, but if you don't, then you don't.. I respect you for being honest, and I'll try my best to be the best friend that you have without ruining our friendship any further..

Then who am I to you now??

You're my friend, you're the person I turn to when I need someone to talk to, you make me feel better by just being you.. I'd do anything to make you happy.. If only you'd ask..

But we're worlds apart, how would it ever work out??

I don't know.. I know I'm not good for you, you're the only one I haven't ruined yet.. But yet I cannot lie and tell you I don't like you.. We'll work it out if you give it a try.. The world is getting more global by the day, differences makes for better diversity and compatibility does it not? Tell me Daniel, what's on your mind..

I'm sorry Didi, but I have to tell you that I love you as my friend, and I'd help you out however I can if you need it, but truly I do not feel the same way that you do..

"There is but 1 question that I truly want to ask you, but I dare not ask, for within the answer lies a truth I am not ready to face."

Sometimes, its better for things to be just the way they are now, for in it there is peace and an easy relationship between humans.. There is no need to express every single feeling, nor ruin every single friendship.. Isn't it better to live your life your separate ways, then catch up once in a while, fully appreciating those moments, rather than messing it up with declarations that have no guarantee of success nor happiness?? The idea of a dream, ever so sweet, remembered once in a blue moon is better than the hold of regret and sadness of the truth of reality..

#This story is truly a figment of my imagination, that has nothing to do with anyone dead or alive.. Merely a story, to express thoughts coursing through my mind..

Till then..

the best

2011-07-04T20:36:00.003+10:00

sooooo..

im kinda in a slump right now..

I have no mood to read any books, watch any dramas or even bake any desserts..

yup, totally blank and droned..

this is the freedom, this is the holiday..

and all i can do is stress and get hyperworried about my sem results coming out in 9 days..

dang it..

where was this mood when I was facing the all crazy finals??

how come the crazy frenzy of watching dramas and anime, reading manga and books always hits the most days before exams, then totally disappear when exams are over..

*sighs*

so as i have no mood whatsoever to read any books, I'll just write about a few of my most favorite trilogies of all time..

In no particular order, the first one is the Bartimaeus Trilogy..

Kudos to Izzati for introducing me to the trio and lending me her first book..

The story of Nathaniel and Bartimaeus through magic and trouble, its really a great fantasy to immerse yourself in..

The sacrifice that Nathaniel makes at the end is truly and epic ending that leaves you crying and wishing it wasn't so, but totally accepting that some things are just not meant to be..

would totally recommend this trio to other readers out there..

next is the Age of Five trilogy..

I found this one myself, and its amongst the ones that I've read and reread so many times and yet it never gets old..

I totally fell in love with Auraya from the beginning..

and the fact that she had great compassion and empathy for the Dreamweavers and Siyee makes her a character to be admired and loved dearly by readers..

The other characters I loved most were of course the other wilds, especially Mirar and Emerahl..

Its pretty otherworldly and long, but its a good setting to set yourself into and enjoy..

Another trilogy that I simply love is the Glass Trilogy, and honestly, I was secretly rooting for Devlan all the way anyway..

The world of magic through glass, being a nobody, then special, then nobody again is a really interesting predicament to be facing and the way the Opal gets through all of them a story worth to be read..

I really loved reading about Valek in this trio, but even though he's the main hero in the Study series, I never got round to reading Fire Study, so I can't put that in my list of most fav trios..

Reading this book almost makes me want to try learning how to shape glass and make glass sculptures.. ALMOST being the operative word..

truly in a class of its own, this is a trio I wouldn't mind reading at least once a year..

^_^

Then, one of my all time favorite stories to immerse myself in again and again and again, whenever, wherever, of course is The Seven Kingdoms Trilogy.. Even though technically, its not a trilogy yet, but us avid fans are desperately dying to read Bitterblue, which is due to come out in the middle of 2012, which is really eons away!

More famously known as Graceling and Fire, both of the currently printed books are amazing in their own way..

They don't have to be read in order and don't really make any difference to the plotline of the story, but Graceling was published first, and Fire happened earlier..

No matter what, both stories are about amazing heroines that simply take your breath away..

And even if the intro at the back of the book doesn't pull you in to read it, the cover sure will!

I simply LOVE both covers and I could print them then frame them coz they really look super awesome..

(there's another version of covers, but they don't looks as nice as these ones)

There's some other books that I really enjoyed reading too, but somehow they ended up being fourologies instead of trilogies..

Amongst them are the Iron Fey, which consists of The Iron King, The Iron Daughter, The Iron Queen and the Iron Knight..

Then there's Wings, which consists of Wings, Spells, Illusions and one more coming out next year..

But I didn't really like Illusions as much as I loved Wings and spells..

So anyway, writing this has made me hungry and kinda interested to reread Graceling again..

Till then..

Happy reading..

^_^

TransFormErs 3

2011-07-04T06:00:00.002+10:00

right.. so a couple of days ago, I got round to watching Transformers, Dark of The Moon, in 3D..

And even though a lot of critics say that its better than the 2nd 1, I still feel that I liked the second 1 more..

So...

I went to watch this movie with an old mate..

who watched the non-3D version already the day before, and me myself, well, I've read part of the 3rd book already days before watching this..

*spoiler abes*

what a bunch we were..

anyway, its still a great movie to watch..

and its a good conclusion to a great trio..

lots of people have been raving about watching it here and there around the world..

so there's almost this threat of being left behind if you don't go watch it at the nearest cinema, NOW!

hah, if only everyone could experience the high you get from reading and imagining a really good book..

beats the graphics of a movie any day..

but still, transformers..

i'm gonna rewatch the 2nd 1 just to make me feel better..

~btw, its great to be back in m'sia..

cheaper movie tickets!!

jump for joy!!

reminiscence

2011-07-03T05:54:00.002+10:00

Nights like this..

Its good to be alone..

Good to be free to think whatever you want to think..

Feel whatever you want to feel..

And let go..

of all the worries of the world..

We all made our mistakes..

We all said the things that should not have been said..

I broke you, time and time again..

And every time I promised you that this would be the last time..

We'd be better this time..

I wouldn't betray you this time, I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes..

Only to have us burn and crash, again and again, through terrible deeds untold..

Can we truly be friends now?

What use is talking when the pain, hurt and betrayal is never far away from heart??

Do I want to know how you are now?

Do I want to know how long it took for you to rebuild your life around you again??

Do I want to know whether the pain still affects you now??

what use is knowing when there is nothing I can do to change the past, to make you not have to go through that pain..

I don't want to talk to you..

and I don't want to work out the reasons and conclusions of the matter with you..

Where would that get us?

Truly through more fights, hurt feelings and despair..

Is that really something that anyone should want to go through??

Nights like this..

Its good to sit back..

And reminisce about the good times..

the parts that were truly worth the journey..

Going places, and remembering the memories..

The stuff we did and the things we said..

Its better this way..

To just remember for a while, and smile a little..

and then to just shut the door, and move on..

I hope you're happy with your road in life right now..

And even if I don't get to see you ever again, I'm glad that I met you..

Technology

2011-06-30T20:45:00.006+10:00

#This post is an automated post that was actually written when I was on the plane coming back to malaysia.. But due to lack of internet and time, its only being posted now.. still.. happy reading!

I don't know whether its just me and i've been out of the loop of the advancement of aviation,
or its like some awesome new adjustment that has just started to be implemented,
But seriously, my experience of getting on the plane yesterday was amazing..
First, my mom bought me a flight ticket with the MAS carrier..
But after getting on the plane, i found out that 3 flight carriers were sharing the same plane..
Is this like some new management technique to reduce costs or something??
Still, its quite a good idea.. Rather than having 3 rather empty planes going to the same destination, better to have just 1 and share the costs..
Well at least its still with a MAS plane and aircrew so i can actually eat stuff..
Yay!!!

I got on the plane super early time, so i had time to sit down and take a look around..
And really, the first class seats look super awesome and differrent from normal airplane seats..
Its like rows of minipods that look super cute really..
Then i noticed that the overhead compartments slide up and down in the middle seats instead of just a rotation along a hinge..
Im not sure if that makes sense, so i took a picture instead..
Seriously they look sleek and pweedy like this..
Also it makes the ceiling really high so like more breathing space right??
Anyway, i still think this makes the plane look really futuristic and clean this way..

[the overhead compartment goes up and down.. woohoo!]

[lots of overhead space available after the compartments are closed.. yay!]

I forgot already what an international flight looks like eventhough i just got on 1 a few months ago..
>_<
but it wasn't MAS last time..
So blergh, don't want to remember that trip last time, so stressful and not fun..
And the 1 before that was really hazy at best..

Then during dinner time, i got some rice and curry, and the bowl/plate was porclain!!!!
And the spoon and fork were stainless steel..
Its just so much more fun eating when ur cutleries don't bend and break easily..
The last time i got plastic ones i think..
But im not sure whether my memory is all that good, the ones i remember best are all domestic flights..
=P

[chicken curry.. nyamnyam..]

Still..
Taking a flight alone is still kinda boring eventhough there's lots of awesome stuff to do..
I don't really sleep well in things that move and there wasn't any particular movie i wanted to watch..
But then again..
Its really good to be finally leaving..

Watching your dreams pass by right in front of your eyes and yet being unable to grasp them is really hard to get through..

Anyway..
Im so glad that i don't have to face all the terrible conflicts back in sydney,
And eventhough that kinda makes me a coward, i really don't care anymore..
I just need to fix myself first before thinking about other people right??

Till then..

dah kate dah

2011-06-26T01:18:00.004+10:00

org dah bagi dah warning awal2..
balik m'sia, clearkan otak, carik ketenangan, lupekan mende2 tuh sume..
dan paling penting skali, jgn bukak facebook gle 2!!
pas2 ape aku buat first day sampai m'sia bosan kat jb xder mende nak buat??
bukak facebook..
>_<

so salah sape kalau diri sendiri sakit hati??
salah sape kalau sendiri yg degil xnak terima hakikat??

ambik cermin, tunding jari kat diri sendiri lar weh..

argh!!!
rase cam nak tukar identiti g mule hidup kat tempat len pon ade..
lari lagi, lari..

macam mane nak ambik langkah2 kecik utk bergerak ke hadapan kalau luka2 lame x penah nak berhenti mengganggu??
payah gle kan??

so kali nih, resolusi baru, bukan untuk lari..
tapi untuk berusaha..
new beginnings..
new course, new friends, new life..

betul2 kali nih..
azam kuat kene ade utk berjaya..
kalahkan sume mende2/org2 yg mengecewakan tuh..
yosh!!

Special Day

2011-06-24T18:10:00.008+10:00

So...

It was my birthday a few days ago..

and..

there wasn't a big celebration or anything...

not that many people even remembered it..

but it was really special in its own way..

I got some really amazing cards..

1 handmade card from boyfie..

1 hallmark custom made card from izzah and am ..

and 1 really cute elephant card from elyna, nadia, nadiah and farah..

then some presents,

a dinner treat plus cute mini donuts from falah..

turkish delights from lin..

and a redeemable birthday present from boyfie..

yay!!

and yesterday, after everyone was done with exams already, izzah, pei ru, nadia n farah came over to cook some cool dinner, nasi beriyani, ayam berempah and dalca..

with a surprise birthday cake and cookies..

[this cake looks really cute and awesome!!]

soooo..

its been a really hard month..

but my last few days in sydney has been real great..

its a good finale to my journey here..

byebye sydney!!

sooo long..

im so not gonna miss ya..

*ok i might miss boyfie a little... nah.. a lot.. >_<

bye!!!

ceria sikit

2011-06-21T17:34:00.003+10:00

ade lar org nih cakap kan,

emo jer sueray nih..

*uhuk2, syahmi batuk skrg..*

ble bace blk post2 kat sini sume mmg rupe gaye cam emo gak lah..

tp xder r emo mane pon, tuh cara expresi diri tuh.. LOL!

kalau sueray tulis blog post in english=emo2 belaka..

pas2 tgk blk post2 lame, yg bm cam ok sket..

soooo...

ber'bm lah kite yer..

hurm..

exam dah habis..

minggu lepas, mak aih, x sabar2 nak abis exam..

lompat2 bace buku cerita, tengok cerita, main2..

besnye, besnye..

smlm..

siap terbayang2 lagi plan nak buat ape..

skrg??

skrg dah abes exam dah..

skrg kul 5.36malam..

ye malam ye..

sejuk nak mati..

skrg..

rase cam nak exam balik jer..

*rase jeles ngan housemates yg lum abes exam pon ade..

kalau nak study same2 t org rase annoying x???

apekah??? nak jawap paper gile2 tuh sume lagi??

no way.. bad idea..

huh, hancus sume paper cam sampah, camne nak berjimba mcm nih??

rase risau tuh cam x abes2 nak memenuhi minda..

aaaaaaa!!!

*tuh lar, tuh lar, nak sangat fail, nak sangat, ambik kau, fail dengan probability 1*

tapi hendak buat mcm mane..

segala mende yg boleh nak msk dalam answer sheet tuh dah tertulis dah..

xley ubah dah..

xyah pk g dah.....

lupekan, lupekan..

sambil tuh, pk2 lagi, patut ke activatekan blk fb??

cam x berbaloi jer..

menambahkan kesedihan dan sakit hati jer ade lah..

lagi2 dengan aktiviti ke'stalker'an yg melampau..

dush2.. bad habit..

bek bace buku cerita + tgk dective conan + white collar + leverage g bes..

jgn bukak, jgn bukak, say no to fb!

so nak ceria sikit camne??

pk sal ape mende yg boleh dibuat cuti nih..

yes2 balik!!

yippeeee!!

xyah berdikari dah..

pas2 mlm nih nak g dinner ngan kawan lame..

yay!!

lame x jumpe manusia dah..

*ok tipu lar tuh, manusia berlambak2 kat exam hall tuh ape?? alien??*

btw..

dpt 2 mende special smlm..

wahwah2 suke gle!!

macih2..

walaupon de 2 exam smlm rase cam zombie gle saket hati ngan diri sendiri bongok xnak study,

tp time kul 12am tuh seryes bes..

smpi skrg pon kalau ingat rase nak senyum je..

yay!!

gambar??

eh, xyah lar, tuh secret ktorg.. =P

>_<

Dissapointment

2011-06-19T23:01:00.002+10:00

Merely days before the dreaded day, while taking a shower in the morning, the thing that has been plaguing me for years came back to mind..
But honestly, it has been a long time since i've thought about it..
Damned hopelessly with no benefactor and host, i have cast it out far from mind before it ruined all my sense of aceptance..
And after hearing all the unkind words that have been said when i told them my dreams, i learnt to keep my mouth shut regarding that matter..

Truth be told I have not thought much at all about the birthday to come..
More rather, i have seen it as just another day to get through with 3 finals looming near on the very same timespan..

But some things..
No matter how forgotten they are, once remembered still bring great pain and longing..
A turning of age that brings great joy to some people, turning 21, the legal age to drink, to do whatever you want, and to been as a legal adult in the eyes of the law..

But for me it was always different..
Its an age,
Once passed that it would seal my future..
Any appeals must be made before turning 21..
And as the clock ticks nearer, i know that there's nothing i can do to change my fate..
But that small hope, however impossible and unprobable was always there..
And for the time, when all hope is gone, i can't help but feel,
Dissapointed..

WinTer MaDneSs

2011-06-14T16:34:00.003+10:00

there's a lot of differences in studying in aussie as compared to back home..

a few things that a lot of people assume is that:

your studying in aussie, its gotta be soooo much better, and sooo cool too.. like who wouldn't give their right arm to be studying overseas right??
you get a scholarship, and its like sooooo much, you guys have to be super rich and get to go to lots of places during breaks..
you get to visit places with snow during winter and experience awesome stuff!
meet new people and learn some amazing different stuff from other people..

But really..

especially during winter..

the list of terrible things to be facing is like a mile long..

its super freaking cold that your brain cells feel like freezing and that leads to real unproductiveness and feeling of sleeping a lot more than normal.. ie. really hard to study..
seriously, the cost of living here could rob a person of a fortune, let alone poor students with less than minimum wage allowances..
cooking.. blergh.. the constant effort and money it takes to buy ingredients, cook and eat is mindblowing..
public transport is expensive like hell..
its rather lonely, coz really, though its cool to make new friends, in the end, we have distinct different cultures that's hard to make good friends with unless your willing to give those cultures up.. so in the end, we basically make great new friends, that are from m'sia too.. its not like i haven't tried, but seriously, is there nothing else better to do than drink and party here????
there's not much choice to what you want to study coz we're bonded by the agreement that we're here with..

heck i could probably go on another year about all the things that distress me here in aussie..

but then probably half the world would come up with the conclution that I'm the most ungrateful brat to exist in the world..

There's a lot more people who are dying to be here but didn't get that opportunity..

And sometimes I do feel guilty coz all that money is being wasted and I'm not really sure what I've learnt here for the past 1 year and half..

But that doesn't change the fact,

that studying here, its really hard..

and though we get like a bucketload of experience, study wise,

I'm not so sure..

Its like the competition, ambition, its so much higher and achievable back home..

When all you have to do is study..

and everything else doesn't have to be thought much about..

Here, studying is like number 3 in the scheme of things..

there's surviving to think about, food, shelter, clothing..

there's public relations to think about..

and then comes studies..

though studying should really come in 2nd, but if public relations wasn't taken care of first, then really, how do we survive in an unknown place alone??

as it is..

I'm really freaking out..

this might be the end..

but I can't stop worrying to really enjoy the final days..

Finals starting tomorrow..

Hopefully I can at least answer some questions..

And for dinner today..

Amazing delivery from kak hani..

^_^

nasi lemak with ayam berempah..

it looks yummy right??

and the sambal isn't too spicy so its really nice to eat..

I've no idea how she achieved that coz everyone else keeps on making sambal that's way to spicy I can hardly eat any at all..

So with that, back to financial maths..

Till then..

We'Re BacK

2011-06-13T18:32:00.003+10:00

Woah..

Check it out!

The old blog is back..

Fixed up with the old template,

and all the blog links, albeit a little outdated,

(*wink2* found them all Izzah),

and man it looks great..

^_^

still, the old posts are still hidden..

Some things are best kept the way they are, aren't they..

Yay, yay!!

I managed to replicate all the coding from the old blog..

Just removed the embedded song though..

As Izzah pointed out, noisy blogs do tend to be annoying to read, especially if you open lots at the same time..

And with that,

A new beginning to an old story..

^_^

ps~If I'm still missing your blog link in one of the sidebars, drop me a comment and I'll add it right up..

(if any of you are still reading this old and dusty blog that is.. =P)

Simple Cooking

2011-06-11T14:38:00.003+10:00

I was talking a friend a few days ago..

Lets call that friend A, shall we..

and basically A told me that A didn't really get much of what was going on in my blog post till I explained it to A..

and a few months ago..

another friend, M told me that they wanted to leave comments on my blog, but didn't really have any idea what to comment on in the first place..

So..

yeah, things have changed a lot since I first started writing..

More cryptic, less understandable I guess..

So here, I'll try to write something that anyone can understand..

^_^

Being students here in Aussie, well its not easy, especially in the food department..

Mostly coz we've never had to cook much at all back home and here its self cooking all the way unless u wanna lose a fortune eating out..

So comes the life of eating some good food, and some terribly weird food you'd never touch back at home..

And some days, especially near to exams, well, most of us do wish that humans could survive without eating..

having to cook and eat is such a waste of time when that time could be spent studying..

(we won't talk about my antics that are highly even more time wasting than cooking in this post..)

So here's a fail safe easiest cooking recipe to cook that doesn't taste all that bad at all..

Not So Instant Spaghetti.. The less italian and more Malaysian way I guess..

Right, so for a meal of maybe 4 people??, all you need is:

1 onion
5 cloves of garlic
some chili (depending on how spicy u want it to be, but I usually don't put much coz I can't really eat food that's too spicy)
a packet of angelhair spagetti (they sell it at coles and woolies.. and its genius i tell u, it takes like 5 mins to cook.. i usually get antsy waiting for food that cooks too long, so angelhair is awesome.. it looks a little like vermicelli if your not sure what to get..)
1 bottle of Dolmio Spicy Peppers Spagetti Sauce (I'm not so sure if that's the proper name.. But the Dolmio and Spicy Peppers part I'm sure of.. This is the best thing that hit Aussie, coz its certificed halal and its instant and its not that expensive.. Like just 4 dolllars per bottle.. and even cheaper if its on offer)
One tin of button mushrooms (you can use fresh ones if you like, they taste better, but I always cook at random times so fresh food always get rotten by the time I decide to cook)
Half a kilo of minced beef, or minced chicken (but beef tastes better for some reason..)

Kay..

So with the Dolmio sauce, its rather cheating coz even if u add nothing to it, it'd still taste about the same, but we're poor students that lack amazing cooking skills, so live with it.. =P

(but as my housemate tried it a few days ago, it seems that its no so hard to cook the sauce yourself, just using tomato paste, that costs only 89 cents a tin.. But as I am ever the laziest cook in the world, I usually just stock up on bottles of Dolmio everytime I go to Woolies..)

And I also really dislike tomatoes so if the sauce tastes too tomatoey, I end up not eating it..

But you can add in tomatoes if you like them..

1. boil about 1 litre of water, when its boiling, add in the angelhair, mix it a bit and put in 1 tablespoon of margarine, and 1 teaspoon of salt..

(I always take it off the heat when I've tasted a string and it tastes about cooked.. if it tastes hard like a stick, it's not cooked yet, simple..)

*don't overcook it, or they'll all stick together and become ugly bits of yucky stuff*

when its cooked, strain the angelhair and put it aside..

2. use a deep pot or something big to cook the sauce..

first heat up a bit of oil, just to coat the bottom layer of the pot *make sure the heat's not too high or things will burn fast*
add in chopped up garlic, onions and chilli till their brown or caramelized *not burnt*
then add in the Dolmio sauce and about half a bottle of water *use the water to wash out all the leftover sauce in the bottle*
simmer till its about bubbling
then add in the minced beef
cook that again till the sauce bubbles like boiling water *at this point its a good idea to taste the beef to check that its cooked, but minced beef cooks really fast so usually it takes just about 5-10 mins*
then add in chopped mushrooms
simmer for about another 5 mins to cook the mushroom, taste it, and add in some salt or sugar according to your tastebuds..

And that's about it..

the not so instant spaghetti recipe that totally cheats and wriggles through cooking into something that looks edible..

(its much better than the junk I eat other days such as maggi or fried chicken or even instant mushroom soup..)

This recipe goes well with some salad on the side, or even some shredded parmesan as boyfie likes to eat it..

I just cooked it a few hours ago, and here's the end results...

tada..

[k, i admit it doesn't look all that flattering in this photo.. but I already ate, so plating it up would be such a waste of food just for a picture..]

So that's about it..

My special random post about cooking,

for A..

I hope this is helpful for you to use to cook when its your turn to cook again..

Cooking the same thing again and again does seem to be rather boring, and cooking halfheartedly when other people really put up an effort isn't really nice either..

Happy cooking..

Till, then..

^_^

Square Table

2011-06-09T06:59:00.005+10:00

Lets admit a few things right now, right here, and clear them off as soon as possible..

Right..

So I've kinda been FFKing people a lot these past few months..

Let be a bit generous and say that I've been avoiding large crowds and activities for a while..

And the few times I have come out is either purely coincidental..

Or with great regret afterwards anyway..

So what really did happen between then and now??

I don't know if you noticed..

But things have changed a lot since last year..

and I mean a LOT, a LOT..

For these past few months, I haven't really wanted to leave my room at all..

I avoided calls and only liked to reply messages..

Because talking to people required to much energy and effort to be friendly..

And I avoided crossing paths with people I know,

Choosing to walk a different direction or turning my head the other way so that people wouldn't recognize me..

Well, from a hyper-friendly happy go lucky extrovert to a scared recluse just doesn't make much sense right??

(personally, I think this is the fault too much online exposure)

So..

after months of this odd behavior..

Well..

Its a bit hard to get back in touch with the society and friends..

haha, unbelievable, right??

I would even go to the point of saying that its down right nerve wrecking..

Coz I've always been the kind of person that has trouble saying no to going out,

and wouldn't typically invite people out to hang out or anything,

waiting for someone else to do the inviting and me just tagging along..

(well, except for a certain someone that holds the title boyfie that is, that's a whole different matter that won't be discussed here and now.. =P)

Well..

with that scary thought of trying to reconnect with people again looming in my mind..

it's not odd that this would lead to even more reclusive behavior in sueray..

and well..

something happened yesterday..

or earlier this morning (depending on what sleeping zone your in right now),

that's really touched me and reminded me about the good old days of last year..

or maybe even a couple of months ago..

before things got so bad..

A small gesture of kindness..

from someone that's close,

but we've been rather distant for a while..

well, that truly made my day..

I'm used to eating alone..

That's a given..

But this week,

well, this week my sleeping pattern is mid afternoon to late night..

So by the time I wake up..

all the shops are closed, and so there's no food to buy..

(and walking out alone is rather scary, even if this is Australia..)

and due to my lack of interest in cooking these past few months..

well, i'm out of ingredients too aren't I..

(and getting said boyfie to cook for you every day isn't really something nice to do, I still have morals okay..)

So came the day..

When all ideas of what to eat was out the window..

Until the shops open at 7am that is..

what to eat??

there's some chocolate, some cake, and some crackers, but all of those won't be filling..

and then there's some meat..

but what to cook?

I don't even have anymore onions..

=.="

And then came two events..

An act of kindness..

which seems rather normal on any other given day..

But seriously, I was stumped with no idea what to eat..

(I might have even died of hunger I tell you.. *dramadrama*)

So it really did touch me..

and..

an invitation..

which...

lets be honest, I was feeling kind of reluctant to go..

(see, on with the recluse behavior again)

and almost said maybe some other time, kay??

but that person said..

come on, lets just hang out for a little while..

and there I went..

Well..

Finally, we've reached the part of the Square table..

A square table of six..

Filled with stories and laughing and smiles..

And even though I wouldn't really be the right kind of person to fit in..

Well, its a step forward..

To talking to people..

and going out with friends..

To stop hiding..

and start living again..

And though really, just two small gestures that hardly mean much,

(there wasn't any human sacrifice of giving up of large sums of money)

But still, it meant a lot..

Truly a lot to a person in my situation..

I hope some of the happiness and smiles come back soon..

Coz being alone with just 1 person, its alright,

But it's a strain to go through..

more for that 1 person really..

rather than me..

so here's to a great meeting of the Square Table..

and more to come in the future..

I miss u..

2011-06-07T23:56:00.004+10:00

So long have I stayed hidden..

So long have I kept away from the masses..
So long have I bid my time away in solitude..

With only one companion..

Standing by through all the bullshit and crap..

Yes it's been a long semester..

And even though its not over yet,
no, no, finals still looming near,
even though its not over yet,
I already feel that sweet feeling of melancholy at the loss of another semester..
What have we done in this semester?
What have we achieved??
Have we contributed more towards the world?
or just mindlessly taken more and more away from it??

Soon, we wont be together anymore..
Soon we'll go our separate ways..

I can't but help miss u guys already..
Its been a good run while it lasted..

So many memories..
So many things we went through together..

Hey, 3 years is a long time isn't it??
Its not like we've spent every moment of it together..
But just knowing you guys were there..
Its been a good feeling at the back of my mind to have..

So what if its not the end yet??
Before it does end..
Before I leave for home,
Its good to know,
I'm gonna miss u guys a lot..

Till then, its been a great journey..

Eyes

2011-06-07T10:48:00.000+10:00

Eventhough your mouth does all the talking, but your eyes speak a million truths..

Its been a rough week I'd say..
And I would know, coz I still bare the scars..

Such a small incident..
That has struck fear into my very core..

Have you ever woken up, and couldn't open your eyes??
Words can't explain the feeling I felt that moment..
Fear?? Yes, fear of losing sight..
Lost?? Yes, lost of any idea of what to do to make the pain go away..
Bewilderment?? Yes, bewilderment of how such a thing could even happen..

And as my eye grew more swolen by the day, my fear and distress grew..
What can you do when your eyes hurt to open?
How can you study?
How can you read?

All there is left is to sleep..
To hope that the pain goes away sooner, rather than later..
And even if your brain hurts from all that sleep, what else is there to do to numb the pain and stop yourself from scratching your eyes out..

Yes, its been scary..
But through it all, you've been by my side,
The voice of reason..

And even though its not as healed as before,
Its getting better..
Thank you..

I can't imagine a life without eyes,
Without seeing..
Can you??

Bleak

2011-06-06T10:17:00.002+10:00

I wish to write of happy things..
And share with you tales of happy days..

It would make you smile, would it not??

But how can I tell you of things that are not true??
How could I smile and pretend that the world is bright and colourful with joy when I do not feel it??
Would you notice?
Would you care?

Right now..
I want to be able to smile..
I want to share with you your joy..
I want to be able to say congratulations to you and mean it..
I want to the unrelenting force that's with you through every step of your story..

But right now,
I don't think I would be good company..
I don't think i would be all that supportive..
I would sulk and be moody, and lash out with unkind words..

How can I support you when I'm troubled by such dilemmas??
How can I be happy when I'm facing such pains??

How can I ask for your help when all it brings us is despair??
You for my unending problems,
Me for my unending need for your help..

How could I ruin your day with my problems??
When so rarely you are happy with triump?
And so frequently I ruin your days of joy..

Such a bleak story the sight of me brings..
I do not wish that upon you..
Not now..
Not when you deserve so much more for all the effort you have put forth..

And so, even if I don't really mean it right now,
In time I will,
Happier days will come,
And when they do,
I'll mean it when I say..
Congratulations..
Professor..
At last..

Me

2011-06-01T01:12:00.001+10:00

Sometimes you just need to stop thinking about what other people will think and say,
And just DO what is best for you, yourself..

Stress

2011-05-29T11:36:00.002+10:00

I know this is the period in time when everyone's at their most stressed..
Where emotions are frayed and patience is hanging on by just a thread..
Yes, finals are near..

But that doesn't mean that that gives you the right to unleash the inner monster in you..
I get that..
Really i do..

But sometimes, when the stress level just reaches that treshold between sanity and insanity, its very hard to remember that..

The only thing I ask from you is to understand that..
Yes i'm crazy..
Yes i'm a nightmare to put up with..
Yes i'm annoying you just feel like slapping me again and again..
But i need my peace..
I need my solutide and silence..

I know it doesn't make much sense..

i've lost A LOT, and i meant A LOT of friends because of this..
It hurts..
Because i know that i'm the one to blame for those losses..
But as my friend, i hope you, first and foremost understand, that this is how i am, this is how i cope..

I don't want to fight and break..
But right now..
Stress can lead to many unwanted things..

Between your head and heart..

2011-05-22T11:01:00.002+10:00

To be a person that is not crazy and of a sound mind, a person should be able to make rational decisions in the walk of life..
Easy right??
Right, so we know basically, everyone reading this isn't crazy..

But then, what if your heart tells you one thing that totally differs from what your head tells you to do??

And if you don't encounter this problem often, then most of you would say, always follow your head..
Its the logical and rational answer to everything..

So lets start simple,
Two examples..
1-your head tells you that it will be financially profitable to invest in a company that you know condones sweatshops but have smaller expense margins, thus making your returns much higher than normal..
But your heart tells you that it is morally wrong, it is exploiting the weak and poor for your own advantage..

2-your head tells you to forget a person and never engage in contact ever again, for that person has little regard nor respect for you..
But your heart can't let go, and its telling you that you can't live without that person at all..

So in these cases, the contradictory conclusions obtained by the head and heart may differ in many ways..
And throughout life, the answer isn't as simple as yes or no..
Its filled with gray areas that are filled with uncertainty..

And pain follows in the wake of humans, always waiting for its chance to shine through..
Yes its hard to bear, but what would be life that was only filled with happiness??
Would we appreciate it as much??

For only after we have fallen do most of us realize the errors of our past actions,..
And it is that fall that wakes us up..

Sure who am I to talk about these things..
This story ironically has nothing to do with me..
But its one that hits the very core of my thoughts...

Given a choice, which would you choose, your head or your heart??

crazy

2011-05-20T03:56:00.003+10:00

you know that moment when your pressed for time and really need to hit the books for an exam??
its that time of the year again..
two more weeks of uni and then we're all heading for the finals..

the things i get myself into right before finals can be explained..
but rationally??
i seriously doubt it..

So instead of studying, as always, right before exams, i get panic attacks..
and i get so antsy about the exams and freak out major time..
so what does this lead to??
yes, it leads to serious bouts of PROCRASTINATION..
its like a mad dash of everything bad..
from whole season's of tv shows, to a couple of trilogies of books, to sudden interest in mass baking and most importantly, not studying..
and oddly enough, it only happens when I'm extremely short for time and need to get my head in the game..

haish..
it happens every single time..
but knowing these things, seriously, i still do them..
>_<

not to seem too lazy, i will give myself till tomorrow to get all this crazy shit out of system, and back on track..
finals are coming, like it or not, we gotta prepare for battle..

right, so just repeat that a couple of million of times in ur head till it happens..

happy studying every1!!

Speechless

2011-05-18T01:18:00.002+10:00

Its shocking news..
Its something i totally didn't expect..
I never saw it coming..

And in my moment of shock..
My brain goes numb..
And i end up blurting things that should have never been said..

I should have learnt the lesson by now,
Every single action has its consequences..
Sooner or later they'll come calling..

And the fear..
The total fear of what might happen, is scarier than the actual consequences..
It wasn't my secret to tell now was it??
I do feel a lot of guilt in this matter..
But it is a past that cannot be unchanged no matter what I choose to imagine..
Knowing how the story ends does not give you a chance to change the beginning of the story..
This is life, not one of the novels I read..

But still..
I can't stop thinking about the news..
We are mere bystanders in this story,
But the pain of it still shines t through..

Humans are gifted with choices and a free will to do what they choose..
But to see the choices of the world sometimes is really heartbreaking in its reality..

Adventures

2011-05-14T14:35:00.002+10:00

Life is a journey.. And it is the journey that matters, not the end point..
The end point in each and every single life is different..
The only similarity is death..
Yes everyone dies..
But the what and the when are unknown to you..

A common phrase I hear is I can imagine the later,
and I can see myself there..
But I can't see the in between, on how to get myself there and work through this disaster..

Often, it is too great a pressure that is set upon us to achieve in 10 to 20 years time..
Yes i can see myself in 20 years, rich, with a job and successful..
But is that truly what I want??
I would love to start walking on a different path one day, and see where that leads me, just because I can..
I would love to do something that I love all my life, even if its simple and mundane..

and even if people thought i was a simpleton, it'd be okay..

Just because I do not strive to be the best, does that make me weak??

Life is a wonderful thing..

Its sad to see it pass by in regret and unhappiness with a path you do not desire..

And if there's one thing I've learnt here in Australia,

its that it's never too late to change paths..

With all the hype and craze with Masterchef, its amazing to see grown ups, with careers, at different-different ages suddenly drop work and join a cooking competition to start their cooking careers..

That shows that things can be possible right??

Sometimes, always thinking about what other people will think about your actions stunts the best actions that you can take..

So here's to a new beginning of a great adventure..

and even if it has to start with a failure first, its a part of life I'm ready to accept..

Darla

2011-05-05T12:51:00.003+10:00

Come be with me Darla, be the light that brightens my day, come be the my one true love..
And I will make you happy, I will savour every second i have with you..
Say you'll be with me Darla, leave that old fool and i'll make u happy, i promise u i will..
I can't live without u Darla, your everything i need..
Please say u'll come..

But i couldn't bear to hurt Henry that way, I couldn't leave him like that..
It would break his heart..
And I don't want to do that to him..
But I'm so torn..
I do like u Adam, but I'm with Henry now..

But seeing you with him breaks my heart..
I cannot bear it..
How hard it is to be with you everyday and yet not have you as my own..
Please Darla, make your choice..
I'll leave you to your peace if u choose him..

Don't say that Adam, I could not live without u in my life..
I will make my choice..
I will tell Henry that I do not love him anymore..
But say nothing of us to him..
I will not have it that he finds out i've been cheating on him..
That would break him..

Thank you Darla, you won't regret this..

A while later..

Darla, it hurts me to say this, but I think we are unsuitable for each other.
Although i love you, being with you is hard.
You demand too much of me and i need some time to focus on my future..

And as the days go by, there is nothing much that Darla feels, except the waves of sadness, regret, anger and hurt..
For Adam made a promise that he thought he would uphold for life..
But humans are merry fickle in their thoughts..
And even promises can be broken..
Time passed..
And life moved on..
But on those certain days..
Idle thoughts pass through..
What if..
What if she had stayed with Henry through it all.. What if she had been faithful..
Guilt and regret is a heavy burden to carry..
And so she fell, through despair and pain she fell..

Life is to be lived only once..
It's not about what if's and if only's..
Everyone makes mistakes..
It's alright to fall..
It's just a matter of picking yourself up, dusting yourself and getting back up again..
It'll take time, but i know you'll get there..

Till then..

mean and nice

2011-05-01T04:16:00.002+10:00

If asked, I would like to think that I'm a nice person who shows compassion and empathy for others..
When questioned, I would like to say that I'm religious and follow the tenants of my religion..

But lets face it..
I am none of the above..

and amongst all else, the things that loop around my mind as if it is put to play again and again,
are mostly some embarrassing moments, the unkindness i have inflicted to others, and the acts of kindness that i should have done, but did not..

they don't really plague me all that often..
but sometimes, when things are bad, and the moment comes..
they just come back..

I was reading a blog just now..
and reading it made me reminisce about the old times..
back when blogging was a famous thing in college..
and lots of people used to write..
it used to be interesting to read about my friend's opinion on things and how they said it..
but not that many of us write anymore..
and the things we write don't really make sense much anyway *for me that is*..
and some blogs, well, they're just gone, aren't they..

isk, there i go rambling on about something totally unrelated again..
anyway..
moving on...
reading that blog triggered me towards this memory..
of how we've all changed across time..
some for the better..
and some for the worse.. *insert my name here*
and through all that..
well, i can't but help to want things to be back to the way it was before..
sure, I had problems then..
but I had ambitions then..
I wanted something with certainty, and tried my best to attain it..

so what happens, when you get further in life..
and what you wanted so much makes you want to hurl and scream bloody murder?
what happens when your ambition becomes the thing that you hate most in life??
how do you reconcile that and get over the misery that is you life??

she tells me that I'm being negative..
and that i'm not trying hard enough..

how can it be..
that I'm here..
living at this amazing postcode..
meeting people of different backgrounds..
and experiencing life from such different perspectives..
and yet.. all i do is shut myself in.. escape from the society that i once craved to get to know..
how is it that things became this way??

I know I was mean to yell, mean to scream and curse at the fate that led me here..
I blamed you for the path that I am on..
but truly, is it your fault that I choose to not make a decision?
is it your fault that I let others decide for me??

and yet, every time we talk, we still fight about the same old things..
I'm tired, and i know i've been mean..

understanding failure and accepting failure are two very different things..
so may it be, that the sentence "don't worry about tomorrow, live for today" become not just a sentence, but rather a notion accepted and followed through my life..

things may get a lot worse before they get better..
but that's no reason to give up living now is it?
right, positive vibes come my way..

9.20am

2011-04-30T09:24:00.002+10:00

right, so it's 9.20am right now..
I was supposed to go to macquarie uni with ecah today..
but then i started opening goodreads again..
and that lead to a lot of lost time at amazon..
which in the end..
Made me accidently start reading a book..
yeap..
story of my life..
I just happened to start reading, and before I realized what happened, I finished reading the book already, and its hours later..
So goodbye to sleeping early, goodbye to fixing my sleeping patterns..
and goodbye to any apparent meals that should have come in those lost hours of reading..

well..
after years and year and years of this string of behavior, its a wonder anyone's still surprised at it..
I'm sure its all common for my close friends to see me cry, laugh and smile for no apparent reason..
and to lose myself so fully in a book that anything else just falls to second place..

but to the others..
it still baffles them..
how an apparent bimbo with a hyper attitude and talks way too much for description,
could be so silent and occupied for such long periods at a time..

yeap..
pretty hard to reconcile..

but yeah, high off a dose of a real good book,
I'm hyped with emotions..
and its a good thing..

through it all, this quote sticks in my mind..
"I think I’m kind of getting
the concept of closure. It’s no big dramatic before-after.
It’s more like that melancholy feeling you get at the end
of a really good vacation. Something special is ending,
and you’re sad, but you can’t be that sad because, hey, it
was good while it lasted, and there’ll be other vacations,
other good times [Gayle Forman, 2011]."

although I would have loved it to end right there, all sad and emo and filled with angst, it actually goes on to a happy ending..
but whatheheck.. I enjoyed the beginning, the middle, and the near end well enough..
leave the happy endings to the masses..
anything else, is possible with imagination..

all in all, there's another tried effort of trying to sleep early wasted, gone and truly, out the window..

eventhough its morning, night peeps..

Thank You

2011-04-25T17:32:00.002+10:00

I know I'm the most troublesome amongst all..
and i always lose faith and strength to get back up when i fall down..
Its hard being here alone without you..

But still, you know how to save me when i need it most..
for that, nothing can replace you..

Thank you..
I feel better now having something to look forward to..

Im sorry if this really makes things harder..
But i appreciate it so much..

It's gonna be a while..
But I'm coming home..

And so, hopefully things will be better this way..

2011-04-25T00:59:00.002+10:00

Have you ever gotten so drunk that you don't remember what the fuck you've done all night??
Everything's like a lost memory that you just can't grasp..
What happens when it occurs when you haven't even even been drinking??
Does that make you so far gone that nothing can save you?
Or does it just mean it was a bad night??

Everything feels wrong when you lose control of your body..

Fly High

2011-04-24T18:02:00.002+10:00

Take a step back a watch as your dreams call to you..
Fly high and spread your worries away..

Hapiness is here..
I have everything I need to be the best that I can..

And yet..
All I'm doing is throwing it away..
Spreading my venom through every vein possible, till all that is left if poison..
They say, they say, how could you destroy something so pure..
rendering it broken beyond recognition..

living is harder that reading about life..

Motivation

2011-04-24T11:06:00.002+10:00

Have u ever been in a situation where ur really sad and depressed and miss yet can see the sight of someone??
Though for lots of people this would lead to a negative reaction in their studies, for me, it actually gave me great motivation to succeed..
Unbelievable, but true..

Its hard to imagine that i was that motivated to succeed and beat u..
But now that ur gone..
Well, i guess i just stopped trying so hard..

Everywhere i turn i see people changing paths..
And i wonder, when will my turn come, when will i gain freedom??

Its a high price to pay..
But what's really left here for me??

Hope

2011-04-22T03:40:00.002+10:00

Its amazing what one can achieve when given hope..
And truly even more amazing what one does when losing all hope..

Humans, are just mind boggling..

I wish i still had hope,
I wish i still had aims,
I wish i still had dreams,
And really, i wish i knew what to do..
But the truth is, i don't..

So yeah..
Truths hurt more than lies..
But the truth frees u in the end, and that's what's more important..

So lets swim in the sea of depression, and pray that the other end will come, sooner, rather than later..

Success

2011-04-22T03:22:00.003+10:00

I know i should be saying congratulations..
But your streak of success just makes me see my list of failures and it pushes me closer and closer to the edge..

And yes, truly, i'm so proud of you..
I wish i could tell you how proud i am of you..

Its just really hard to not feel like a waste of space when i know you deserve something so much better..

I see the me i am right now, and the possible me's i could be in 10 years..
But i don't see how i'm going to get there..
I'm really tired right now..
So lets just take a break..

And mayb things will get better by then..

[they tell me great tranquility can be found with complete spirituality, but i have not found it yet]

Crash and Burn

2011-03-17T01:53:00.003+11:00

Okay, so I really have been facing a string of bad luck this past few weeks that has made me so messed up..

I don't really remember the order of the misfortunes..

So its a bit jumbled up..

I had a fight with a friend and lets just say, we're not friends anymore..

Its not something I'm proud of doing..

But I guess I kinda get where A was coming from before..

CONCLUSION=I suck at human relations..

I suffered from a week of PMS, in which the same week my bf was suffering from high fever and short fused tolerance towards me.. So basically we pissed each other off a lots..

Lets just say it was a bad week for both of us..

(best part about this is that we are both no longer in the pms zone.. *thankgod*)

CONCLUSION=Don't get pms during the same time as ur bf.. It ends badly..

Stupid car problems just never end..

I'm scared to drive anywhere coz I'm worried that my car will die in the middle of nowhere and I'd be left stranded with no idea on how to fix the situation..

CONCLUSION=Buy first hand cars.. They're more expensive, yes, but much more reliable..

What is a month without monetary problems right?

well, this isn't new, but still worrying..

I'm broke, going on bankrupt, and it stresses me out a lot..

so yeah..

CONCLUSION=must find a way to get rich, coz saving doesn't really work for me..

and the BIGGEST, BADDEST most TERRIBLE thing to hit me in all times is..

my laptop crashed..

with all my data..

everything..

and me being a mac user..

well, I never kept a backup of any documents..

In short, I have lost thousands of pictures, thousands of songs, all my uni documents, all my photoshop stuff..

and of course, all the knick knacks that are rather miscellaneous, but still, sore to lose..

boo hooo!!

CONCLUSION=always keep a backup of all your stuff (I MEAN EVERYTHING!) on an external harddisk.. *even mac users*

so after all these fits of misfortune, naturally, I had a mega moment of heartfelt crying..

which went on for a while..

and was rather not interesting to hear..

But thanks to some nice encouraging words from said bf, well, things are a bit better now..

huu..

Ok, there are some amendments to make..

I guess all the other problems were bad, but losing everything on my mac was a really hard blow to my brain..

[haha, my internal harddisk name is actually Brain]

Said bf was rather discouraged coz I cried worse than ever before for a mac that isn't really even erm, him?

*what to say, I love my mac more than anything else I own..*

So yeah..

New beginnings..

Its a bit sad to see my desktop now..

Its EMPTY..

and looks like I just bought it or something..

Although it took forever to reformat my mac and figure out how to get it out of that freaking startup screen jam mode, I'm glad its still functioning and not in some rubbish bin somewhere broken..

And yeah, I've got photoshop CS5 and microsoft office 2011 installed, so my dock doesn't look too sad and barren..

Still feeling rather sad about all my lost data, so if you're reading this, please feel free to cheer me up in any way possible when you see me..

^_^

Choices

2011-03-10T03:25:00.000+11:00

Has it ever occurred to you that the choices we make today change the way life unfolds tomorrow?

Stop and really think about it for a while..

Sometimes those choices are little choices that seem petty, but might change the way our life shapes up to be..

For example..

The thing that always crosses people's mind when they look at me is:

Why did you change??

Was it a conscious choice I made to change in early 2009?

Or was it just based on an unexpected whim?

Or really, was it a mistake in the first place to follow other people's belief and transfer in 2003?

Though I complain a lot and blame a specific person for all the predicaments in my life,

truly, are they not my own fault, for being unable to put forth a cost and benefit analysis and make the rational choice for each obstacle encountered?

I do learn economics..

I do understand the workings behind the financial maths I'm learning right now..

But why, why is it so hard to implement in real life?

Given a question on the spot face to face, my given answer will always be yes..

So yes, I don't know how to make a decision when given choices..

I walk around in circles, think about the choices, then cave with any answer that crosses my mind at the moment..

All I know is to lament in remorse at all the bad decisions I have made in the past..

When it takes only a couple of minutes to think things through and make the proper choice..

Yet, that is who I am, and this is what I'll continue doing..

Its sad to think, that humans were born to achieve great things..

But many of us get sidetracked along the way..

And never reach the full potential that we were all capable of achieving..

(i.e. me)

This is me..

Thinking..

About the the choices I have to make right now..

And still, coming up with a blank slate..

Coz all I want to do, is hide in my room, and watch Criminal Minds all day..

I've forgotten how to live, in a world that's leaving me behind..

The clock is ticking, its time to decide..

1, 2, 3

2011-03-09T00:03:00.000+11:00

lets just say..

things have changed..

AGAIN